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NorkNork

This past week was a low point for your order. What should have been a celebratory atmosphere centered around the release of Iron Man 3 devolved into ugliness and deplorable statements after the lot of you decided to ejaculate your negative opinions all over the Internet's face without warning. First, this business with The Mandarin in Iron Man 3. Apparently this guy is a legendary Iron Man foe, and you waited six years to watch the formidable duo square off on a 90-foot movie screen. Only, that's not what happened. There was no insane showdown between the all-powerful Mandarin and Tony Stark. Instead, [spoilers] director Shane Black decided to do something deplorable - impart his own creative vision on the story. In Black's version, The Mandarin (played by Ben Kingsley) isn't the world-conquering, power-ring wielding uber-terrorist you remember. Rather, Kingsley's character is eventually revealed to be a shitty British theater actor hired by the real villain -- Aldrich Killian -- to divert attention from a larger (admittedly lame) endgame.

Of course, you all handled this change with typical aplomb and restraint.

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Oooh, sorry the movie's villain wasn't an Asian caricature with mystical alien power rings that shoot lasers and queef lightning. That would have been far more poignant than sly social commentary on the nature of terrorism and celebrity in a post 9/11 world. The twist was rather clever. It worked on multiple levels. Unfortunately, it was lost on you simply because the string didn't play out exactly as it did in a comic.

OK, so that was annoying and pissed off some rational fans. No biggie. However, you followed the Iron Man 3 debacle by flipping shit over the rumor that Michael B. Jordan is under consideration for the role of Human Torch in Josh Trank's Fantastic Four reboot. Why the hand-wringing over Jordan? Is he a poor actor? Nope. Does he lack the skills to play a flying teenage superhero? Hard to make that case considering he already successfully played a flying teenage superhero in Chronicle, which was directed by the SAME F*CKING GUY HELMING THE NEW FANTASTIC FOUR! So what's the deal, geeks? Why the consternation? It can't possibly be because of his skin color, right?

It's because of his skin color.

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This is just ...

I don't even ....

It's not enough for you that the comic personification of America is a flawless blond-haired, blue-eyed white man. Now a brother can't even play a character that's on fire 80 percent of the time without you zealots breaking out the bitchforks. Do you have any idea how much you've disappointed Brad Paisley and LL Cool J?

Setting aside the stunning Civil War-era racism on display, how is it not "realistic" that a black guy plays the Human Torch? Never mind, I forgot that comic books have a longstanding reputation for verisimilitude. These new-era superhero movies are basically documentaries! It's not like this is a genre built on mutants, aliens, humans with supernatural powers, invulnerable gods, monsters, and masked crime fighters. Every woman I know weighs 102 pounds, has DD boobs, and can singlehandedly take out a battalion of trained male soldiers in 30 seconds. But yeah, casting a black actor in the role of "person who can spontaneously burst into flame and fly around with a 4,000-degree Kelvin core temperature" is a bridge too far.

I HEAR YOU MUTTERING "IT SAYS WHITE-HOT FLAME" BACK THERE, JETHRO! ANOTHER WORD AND YOU'RE GONE!

Why is he dressed like a ghost, anyway?

Sorry, where was I? Oh:

  • Ethnic Asian stereotype as villain -- we wants it.
  • Black person as flying fire man -- we hates it.
  • Marvel's The Interventionist: An Open Letter to Overzealous Comic Book Purists
    Reposted byarenlordminx

    Don't be the product, buy the product!

    Schweinderl